Archive for loneliness

SHE

Posted in Elliana Trinity, jt, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 31, 2013 by norcaliluv

She sings for me,

Like summer rains on a dry land.

She smiles at me,

And takes my heart in her hand.

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I see light, I see love

I see the Truth in her eyes

I saw hope, when I saw you

Every moment till we said goodbye.

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She sings to me

To say it’s been so sad

She redeems in me

Every things they called “bad”

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I see light, I see love

In revolution coloured eyes

I felt time,  prayed for calm

On sweetest forgiveness I relies.

onelove

onelove

__________________________

My Dearest Elliana,

My words are powerless to express the brilliance of the flame you command in my heart. That any reader may know the words above born on no cheap sentiment.  Rather true treasure born across the darkest and most barren sea never sailed….. For one fell and leaving such beauty for an unjust and painful eternity. Seeing clearly; as it should, clarifies and resolves firstly, personal guilt. I therefore bearing no lack of culpability, sentence myself to life without parole. To be by your side baby, every moment that you wish and need until there is no life in me. It kills me to see you confused with regard to your self-worth my love. The whole  world comes to life when I look at you! I rely; as life requires water I depend on your sweet forgiveness and mercy.  It was such a sweet suffering to see you! Sweet because to me you are every good and beautiful expression of the Divine. Then painful to think how lonely you have been and so so brave against all odds. Yet I hope you soon forget our separation Elliana.  I on the other hand must NEVER forget it, having nothing of good in this life were I to fail you at love… You will be here soon..!

Daddy

100% Real = 100% Alone

Posted in jt with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2013 by norcaliluv

I have always been a man of the heart, struggling first and almost completely for the truth alone. I have ever been willing to admit my wrongs and suffer whatever consequences they carry. Yet I have more love for a stranger than ANY one of my so called family has for me. Since about age 13 I’ve been ready to leave this delusion you all call society. I have studied and struggled for years and beyond the education and experience of those “above” me. Now my little girl is kept from me? This world will recognize the intense love in my heart and at the very least leave me alone. Or it will have to destroy me. I am ready to show the people of the world that love exists in my heart, REAL LOVE full and unconditional. But how can I go show this to the world and leave my flesh and blood in the hands of hypocrites?? Not possible. Those who would get in my way will be introduced to all of lifes answers….. I am JT alone in the world but for my flesh and blood; Elliana Trinity Saldana, and I will not be separated from her. Soon I will write down all the details of my situation but for now know that my struggle is before you fully honest and righteous. I am a soulja ready to die yesterday and over my dead body is the only way she will be raised by these punks.

Keep it real or shut up
Don’t seem to be, just be…..

jt

Wake from the Nightmare

Posted in jt, Uncategorized, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2013 by norcaliluv

Friends,

FEAR NOT
In my life I have found that ANY so-called “knowledge” that inspires fear is flawed and should be discarded. Fear can be healthy only as applies when one is ignorant of something. All true knowledge should empower and if that knowledge in some way criticizes, it happens within. So if you are taught to fear I humbly suggest looking for knowledge where there is peace and not anxiety..

blessings to you all.
jt

 

this is great!!!

 

http://www.danoah.com/2013/04/the-disease-called-perfection.html

Intro to truth

Posted in jt, monolog, Saint grandma, Uncategorized, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2013 by norcaliluv

KNOWING

I am looking back through the fog of rejection and judgment that we collectively call childhood. Even now with my eyes I look and though hard of hearing I hear enough to know that the words on your lips are empty. You ever encourage me give in to your hypocrisy by “getting over it.” And the sign of this is that I would begin to chase paper and act as though I have God, knowing nothing of Him. You are all instructors that know how to analyze the character of others. JT, please don’t express these things that make us uncomfortable, my my you are so angry….. Please Jason stop talking. Ok I will. But I will also no more listen to your cheap claims of wisdom. Men who fear the opinions of men, may your fake words fall to the ground. I draw breath here hoping for what is to come NOT your foolishness and not your idea of success. You truly own no wisdom. You are spouter’s of cliché, and slogan totters. I have only ever from a tender young age desired blessing for those around me yet in this world I spent much of my youth incarcerated or in some program to “fix” me. Never protected and ever accused. Now I am supposed to tolerate all men having endured only judgment and rejection in this oasis of hypocrisy. You first accuse me, well so do I. Sharing none of your weakness clinging to cowardice and avoidance. One man go and kill a bunch of precious children and your first concern is where he got the gun. You fools! WE are fully guilty, expecting the divine soul of man to endure such wickedness and injustice. When I was young (too young) you taught me deception and lewdness then accused me of breeding these things out of my own young heart. Both sides of my family growing up despised my presence. They are of course concerned like most, that they would not be shown to have any guilt in a given situation. Don’t know what I am talking about? Everyone shrugs as to say that I am blind, stubborn and unrepentant. Why? Cuz I don’t enjoy bullshit pie. Y’all are so thin in character. Over time I feel myself losing love, wonder and joy. As most of my life I have primarily been acutely explosive in response to your accusation, getting over things pretty fast. Now I have struggled many years of over and under doing this self-accusation thing. Seeing you know nothing of my soul or even yours I have a glowing coal of murder and hate under the surface. Truly, messing with a soul as mine now would be quite foolish.

shot0001

“It is not the violence that sets a man apart…. All right it is  the distance he is prepared to go..”
Forest Bondaraunt “Lawless”

 

Seeing the cheapness of the world I have no humor for your arrogance and intimidation. I promise one thing here. I’m done; and though killing be far from my desire, it is a breaths distance from any seeking my harm. Hell 90% of gangstas are more like mouthy two year olds with guns. With many legal excuses have you bound my young soul. If I were to make it a seminar my tee shirt would read unloved, unforgiven and unworthy. I long for the revelation of my sin and yours. Your mask of false virtue will fade when you long most to hold it tight. Nothing we can devise will deceive Him who sees all. Being not the Judge I have no desire to hold you accountable. You cause me fresh wounds and in the same breath instead of your repentance my acceptance of your lies and falsities is demanded of me. Even now I sit alone because I don’t tickle your egos with submission to your delusion. You can sit there and smirk cuz the light of heaven will show what truly is. I know not one soul willing travel where I go. I would like to say here that I have no desire to lead or teach men, only that you keep your emptiness to yourself. Though weak and at times in need of your benevolence, I can scarcely endure your self-proclaimed wisdom anymore. I do not know where I will go but you can be sure that I am not coming back to you. I cannot asses my own strengths and weaknesses but by the Grace of God I will not be reconquered by the world.

Here is my case; in whatever form I may choose. Poems, parables, critiques and works of fiction. Painting and sketching the truth alone, if you doubt don’t waste your time, go ahead and fuck off. The author has no need of any readership, I write to heal needing no hypocrites rebuttal. I hope now for strength from God to focus now and leave behind the life of proud liars. For I am guilty as the rest. I can endure no more this dance of delusion. I know not which label will be pasted again over my true image but your self-absorbed opinions carry no weight with me. I use wit and philosophy and I create no legal document, for no man really holds the facts. Awe go ahead! Unleash your plastic criticism and judge my sin filled soul. I am free and only by grace alone is any good thing givin unto me.

JT

How far will I go friends?

How far will I go friends?

The Sun Wakes One..

Posted in jt with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 24, 2012 by norcaliluv

The sun wakes one,

But is unable to warm the bones with-in.

While masses consume food and warmth by the ton.

Tomorrow will find others still frail and thin.

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With an animosity that refuses to tire ….

Loneliness, despair and hunger attack.

Just as a coal separated from the fire,

The soul alone turns cold and black.

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All men fall down,

But only some are left behind

Is there guilt in that “some”

To justify men’s judgment unkind?

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Cast down your gaze…

See the world the humble see.

It will truly amaze,

To deny oneself, makes ones soul soar free.

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I have sat alone in suffering.

My heart been filled with self-pity and revenge.

Step by painful step I get closer to the ring.

Thankful for life, the light of new days no longer makes me cringe.

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Courage and blessing to those who struggle alone…

Worthless

Posted in jt with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 10, 2012 by norcaliluv

Swallowed up…. Overwhelmed by uselessness
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On the dark edge of nowhere, plunging into it’s nothingness
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Nowhere to rest wearing shame like an iron necklace
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The once fair form, deformed by rage and ugliness
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No soul cares to look at all the soul has transgressed
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The soul dies inwardly, causing life to regress
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Tired be this soul…..  Growing ever more fond of death

  I am really trying to share a snippet of my struggle. Some criticise the dark theme of my work but in trying to avoid hypocricy I only share as my own soul percieves. This is what I wrestle with. These struggles fill up my day with toil. They separate me from love. From love and it’s supernatural power to conquer all. I have not many earthly ambitions and I am having trouble choosing things conducive to life. I see lifes beauty in the eyes of my little girl. I feel it’s sting right here and right now. I feel it’s hate like heat, it burns shame upon my back. I am still breathing though and there may well spring forth a victory released from my pen. To my soul, from Gods heart for His creation.

Forgive me, pray for me,
JT

I Bend Down Low

Posted in jt, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 29, 2012 by norcaliluv

My soul it bends low, it burns with a soft dark glow…
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High and low it searches, desperate like a penniless merchant.
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Broken is the path of my soul, in my heart left a gapping hole.
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Love malfunctioned, love missused, love gone away for it has been abused.
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Please come back to me, touch the dark heart and set me free.
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I bend down low, forgive me please and release loves light into my soul…

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