Archive for friendship

Just a bit of my perspective….

Posted in jt, monolog, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 9, 2013 by norcaliluv

At eight years of age I was baptised at Sacred Heart Church in Anderson, California. I was attending the private school there with the financial help of my grandpa and grandma. I remember being so excited to be able to learn about God in school. This turned out to be a mistake and to suffices to say that I was utterly rejected by “the people of God”. Later in my teenage years I attended protestant churches being constantly assured that I needed to “get right”. Then later and during my 3 years and 8 months in youth prison ( California Youth Authority or CYA) I practiced Buddhism, martial arts, male hula, and served in a military program at N.A. Chaderjian called simply the Cadets. I also attended some courses from the private school UOP in Stockton and read cool stuff like “The Prophet” by Kahlil Gibran. I can in no way sumarize the variety of types I was around for those years. After my release from CYA and during the first part of my marriage I attended Bethel Church in Redding, CA a very popular “renewal church”. I also attended some of their first School of Ministry courses. I am now an Orthodox Christian and know I spend the rest of my life in conversion ever reaching for, ever incapable of loves boundless selflessness. For the Christian at least, there is nothing to compare with Orthodoxy in the purity of its transmission of grace from then to now. Ive been diluted and ill-informed, rejected and judged, belittled and mocked by ALL of these groups. So I would encourage you fellow traveler and strugglers, let us keep our gaze upward from whence comes our help and every good thing. All men fail so pathetically to perform love. But then draw close then to one who though he sins he weeps and cries.  To God and his brothers here in humility for forgiveness. God has not given us the power to truly see into the mystery of guilt and innocence in the heart of another. Virtue is PURELY an INSIDE job and any moral rightness applied outside oneself is plain wickedness and is why God has said; “Judge not and thou shall not be judged!” One big reason I believe governments and police are unnatural and harmful. If God is good what can he do or create that is bad?  Only through our misunderstanding or ignorance are “evils” committed in this world. The wickedness of religious groups is fueled by the unnatural anxiety of being right or wrong. This in my mind is related very easily to the fall of man when were separated from the Truth, and grew then to fear deception. It really shows when so called christians go out in joy to dominate anthers intellects and and reveal their “sins”.  Say this magic prayer and all is well, your ticket to heaven is in the mail. THen it then comes with a guarantee that this dollar store salvation cannot be lost….. WAKE UP! You moralize the people with your cheap smokescreen of virtues and so become like the pharisee a white washed tomb. Gaining the Virtues is like going to the gym to bulk up. You never own the virtue you merely tend to it and exercise it or it is unnoticeable and of no effect in your journey. Men who claim to posses them, only declare their ignorance of them. No man is just good! We only struggle together towards it. Only God is without any form of incompleteness. We fully need Him and it seems, we mostly learn good things from each other “by accident” having no love and little respect for each other.

(to be continued.. Helping with a friends B-Day party)

I launch an all out assault on division, judgment and hatred among all men……..

The Revolution is within, pay attention to the war inside and become indomitable from without!


How many faces, for the undivided soul?

Posted in jt, monolog, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2013 by norcaliluv

   Lord have mercyI am one full of love, as God intended……. But

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAInside this outlaw will walk free to da end, stay in repentance to the last day..

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThen often standing at the edge I rage with horns and burning eye. I desire love but only God can free from violence inside.

Violence is easy. I have seen it committed with all the seriousness of jumping into cold water. Grown men fascinated, bound by childish curiosity and  many fears.  I wanna break these horns and find new ears deaf to all hate…. I’d rather be  just a plain ol sufferer, but I’m not.

A tired and wounded lion lives here,  just waiting for peace and release….

Miles of error and gallons of tears, have made this outlaw desire some rest. It’s from this position here seems the Divine hears me best.


Pray my freedom! Love is the only way!


Dear Friends,

    If you have room for knowledge then know there is but one Judge and still only one accuser mentioned to the followers of Christ. If you be  a mortal man, how then do you the work of satan every moment of the day?! For you accuse with every breath your fellow man and as a man bent on his own destruction I follow, sometimes lead down this path. How and by what means, O foolish man did you see into the heart of another?  Having so little knowledge of your own? Who calibrated the scale of justice you use? A BLIND man! The Lord Almighty is mans only true judge. Keep your facts and your evidence, they can only mock one as sinful  as I. That “rightness” you claim with your mouth has yet to be seen.  Me I am wrong, try and wait patiently for true knowledge revealed in truth and inside. Lawless I’m free your imaginary virtue these hard days wont endure. America is around 2 bills old…….. Christianity was punishable by death with varying intensity for the first 300 years of its existence. Outlaw I’m the Anti-G, my life is to give and not take… May God awaken Truth is our hearts fellow travelers. Blessings on this truly uphill battle.


I Bend Down Low

Posted in jt, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 29, 2012 by norcaliluv

My soul it bends low, it burns with a soft dark glow…
High and low it searches, desperate like a penniless merchant.
Broken is the path of my soul, in my heart left a gapping hole.
Love malfunctioned, love missused, love gone away for it has been abused.
Please come back to me, touch the dark heart and set me free.
I bend down low, forgive me please and release loves light into my soul…

I know that love wants to be my guide….

Posted in jt, monolog, Uncategorized, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2012 by norcaliluv

Dear reader,
  The things in my heart are not special. I try though to be especially honest. I’ve cast so many pearls at the feet of a world that seems to despise my presence. In a world where appearances are boss my soul finds no rest. I love y’all and I wish that love could guide me through. But the fact is, I’ve grown so tired not only of the worlds hypocricies but of believing it’s lies about me. As I have mentioned before, I have been guilty from birth and naively hated myself. Though I want love to guide me, the reality is that honest souls are eaten alive by this world. How in the hell is ponyboy supposed to stay golden? I cry till my lips are cracked and I have cottonmouth. I confess to guilty men who with plastic proud faces approve of my self condemnation. I know of my guilt before God, but these men are blind. Blinded by the position they hold so they see only the guilt of others. I am finished with this charade, I will not flee another step. I will not cast down my glance in the presence of these swine. My friends, in the most real way I have become dangerous. Dangerous to those who wish me ill. I tried to love and I tried to laugh. But y’all wanted to play kill or be killed. My fellow traveler…… I would stop a bullet for you, why do you seek my destruction. I tried to please you and you said all I earned was this here shit sandwich. I’m too tired to play the role you gave me. I am NOT guilty in the circus of mans justice but rather a victim of it’s cold hypocrisy and wicked design. I am just a weak and tired man who’s ideas of life and love are reserved for fantasy and foolishness. I will take no more from you who wish me harm. I grieve now for you that love me. I wish I could endure, I wish I were a better man. This site contains much about me. I am well acquainted with suffering. Humiliation and loneliness rule over me, at times mercilessly. To you the honest soul. The world promises only pain. Know that you are brave. Know that the King of all has the final word. Make judgment of your soul according to what your maker has placed there. Try to take mans judgment in stride knowing that it defines not your place in history. Know that men who criticize are greatly deceived and can only harm the tender soul. This advise my friend comes not from true wisdom but from much failure and pain. If you fail my friend, so do I and on the day of judgment. Your life I will try to defend. If you are cast out may I be together with you in rejection. I hope in vein here as I inject another needle full of dope into my arm. I fail so many who are worthy of a better father, husband, family member, and friend than I. For this guilt I refuse consolation. It is mine and I carry it before God with tears. I may not know your name but I do know your pain. I’ve sat at meal with bishops, rotted in lonely prison cells and laid with women I should not. I was the humble hands that received my little princess into this world, and I am the man that failed her and her mother. I am JT, alone and rejected by this world. If you are truly honest and sincere, use caution. This world is not worthy of you, and on their philosophy of hypocrisy they have made themselves to be better than you. I feel I am losing but only time will tell. Say a prayer for me friend. When you are alone, I wish it were I that came in the dark night to encourage  and suffer with you. Please excuse my rambling.

Your unworthy fellow struggler,



True friends are rare…

Posted in jt, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , on February 10, 2010 by norcaliluv

In this life we are not given many good friends.  In my own life I have at times found it exhausting looking for them.  Pouring myself into “friends” that had no intention of loving me back. I have also been the friend in need more than my share. Being a good friend is just as the rest of this life; It is a struggle to the end, to prefer another over yourself. In the words of Christ Himself, “No greater love does a man have than to lay down his life for his friends.” . Two of the greatest evils in this world are fear and selfishness, and freindships have the power to abolish both. May God grant you the best of friends. This is an older poem I wrote.  Tell me what you think…jt

Brother….Honor my friendship

Break not my trust as did

Judas for the sake of greed.

Do not kiss me and

Nail my heart to the tree.

True friendship is rare, and

Found where there is blood and struggle.

Its truth lives where life ends

Where death may take hold.

My brother may death not find

You alone for your sake.

May your friendship be a joy

And a prize for those who partake.

Honor the friendship of a brother

In trust to the end.

In fire forge the bond of truest

Friend or burn there within.

May God my brother grant you love.

Even and especially if the price be paid with blood…..


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