Archive for friends

100% Real = 100% Alone

Posted in jt with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2013 by norcaliluv

I have always been a man of the heart, struggling first and almost completely for the truth alone. I have ever been willing to admit my wrongs and suffer whatever consequences they carry. Yet I have more love for a stranger than ANY one of my so called family has for me. Since about age 13 I’ve been ready to leave this delusion you all call society. I have studied and struggled for years and beyond the education and experience of those “above” me. Now my little girl is kept from me? This world will recognize the intense love in my heart and at the very least leave me alone. Or it will have to destroy me. I am ready to show the people of the world that love exists in my heart, REAL LOVE full and unconditional. But how can I go show this to the world and leave my flesh and blood in the hands of hypocrites?? Not possible. Those who would get in my way will be introduced to all of lifes answers….. I am JT alone in the world but for my flesh and blood; Elliana Trinity Saldana, and I will not be separated from her. Soon I will write down all the details of my situation but for now know that my struggle is before you fully honest and righteous. I am a soulja ready to die yesterday and over my dead body is the only way she will be raised by these punks.

Keep it real or shut up
Don’t seem to be, just be…..



Wake from the Nightmare

Posted in jt, Uncategorized, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2013 by norcaliluv


In my life I have found that ANY so-called “knowledge” that inspires fear is flawed and should be discarded. Fear can be healthy only as applies when one is ignorant of something. All true knowledge should empower and if that knowledge in some way criticizes, it happens within. So if you are taught to fear I humbly suggest looking for knowledge where there is peace and not anxiety..

blessings to you all.


this is great!!!

Intro to truth

Posted in jt, monolog, Saint grandma, Uncategorized, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2013 by norcaliluv


I am looking back through the fog of rejection and judgment that we collectively call childhood. Even now with my eyes I look and though hard of hearing I hear enough to know that the words on your lips are empty. You ever encourage me give in to your hypocrisy by “getting over it.” And the sign of this is that I would begin to chase paper and act as though I have God, knowing nothing of Him. You are all instructors that know how to analyze the character of others. JT, please don’t express these things that make us uncomfortable, my my you are so angry….. Please Jason stop talking. Ok I will. But I will also no more listen to your cheap claims of wisdom. Men who fear the opinions of men, may your fake words fall to the ground. I draw breath here hoping for what is to come NOT your foolishness and not your idea of success. You truly own no wisdom. You are spouter’s of cliché, and slogan totters. I have only ever from a tender young age desired blessing for those around me yet in this world I spent much of my youth incarcerated or in some program to “fix” me. Never protected and ever accused. Now I am supposed to tolerate all men having endured only judgment and rejection in this oasis of hypocrisy. You first accuse me, well so do I. Sharing none of your weakness clinging to cowardice and avoidance. One man go and kill a bunch of precious children and your first concern is where he got the gun. You fools! WE are fully guilty, expecting the divine soul of man to endure such wickedness and injustice. When I was young (too young) you taught me deception and lewdness then accused me of breeding these things out of my own young heart. Both sides of my family growing up despised my presence. They are of course concerned like most, that they would not be shown to have any guilt in a given situation. Don’t know what I am talking about? Everyone shrugs as to say that I am blind, stubborn and unrepentant. Why? Cuz I don’t enjoy bullshit pie. Y’all are so thin in character. Over time I feel myself losing love, wonder and joy. As most of my life I have primarily been acutely explosive in response to your accusation, getting over things pretty fast. Now I have struggled many years of over and under doing this self-accusation thing. Seeing you know nothing of my soul or even yours I have a glowing coal of murder and hate under the surface. Truly, messing with a soul as mine now would be quite foolish.


“It is not the violence that sets a man apart…. All right it is  the distance he is prepared to go..”
Forest Bondaraunt “Lawless”


Seeing the cheapness of the world I have no humor for your arrogance and intimidation. I promise one thing here. I’m done; and though killing be far from my desire, it is a breaths distance from any seeking my harm. Hell 90% of gangstas are more like mouthy two year olds with guns. With many legal excuses have you bound my young soul. If I were to make it a seminar my tee shirt would read unloved, unforgiven and unworthy. I long for the revelation of my sin and yours. Your mask of false virtue will fade when you long most to hold it tight. Nothing we can devise will deceive Him who sees all. Being not the Judge I have no desire to hold you accountable. You cause me fresh wounds and in the same breath instead of your repentance my acceptance of your lies and falsities is demanded of me. Even now I sit alone because I don’t tickle your egos with submission to your delusion. You can sit there and smirk cuz the light of heaven will show what truly is. I know not one soul willing travel where I go. I would like to say here that I have no desire to lead or teach men, only that you keep your emptiness to yourself. Though weak and at times in need of your benevolence, I can scarcely endure your self-proclaimed wisdom anymore. I do not know where I will go but you can be sure that I am not coming back to you. I cannot asses my own strengths and weaknesses but by the Grace of God I will not be reconquered by the world.

Here is my case; in whatever form I may choose. Poems, parables, critiques and works of fiction. Painting and sketching the truth alone, if you doubt don’t waste your time, go ahead and fuck off. The author has no need of any readership, I write to heal needing no hypocrites rebuttal. I hope now for strength from God to focus now and leave behind the life of proud liars. For I am guilty as the rest. I can endure no more this dance of delusion. I know not which label will be pasted again over my true image but your self-absorbed opinions carry no weight with me. I use wit and philosophy and I create no legal document, for no man really holds the facts. Awe go ahead! Unleash your plastic criticism and judge my sin filled soul. I am free and only by grace alone is any good thing givin unto me.


How far will I go friends?

How far will I go friends?

If Life Loves Not….

Posted in jt, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 3, 2012 by norcaliluv

If life loves not, then why should I
I see nothing real with the naked eye
Your fake ass lies sufferers decry.
I lay here alone and here alone I        die
No soul to comfort me bye and   bye
You judge and minimize these tears I cry.
Many times I wish I had wings, to fly.
If you had taken a moment to look into my eyes
A love lives there you could not deny.
I crouch down as around me devil’s fly
If life loves not, then why should I.
I see no friends and hear only demons cries.
Alone I’m not bitter, but still I die.
This lonely battle I wage  inside.


Posted from WordPress for Android with love.. JT

A Snippet of PTSD in My Mind..

Posted in jt, monolog, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 27, 2012 by norcaliluv


When one simply turns to laugh at a meaningless joke, my mind kicks into full gear. It is no good as a hundred scenarios flood into my mind. “Why would they  disrespect me? Do they intend harm for me.?” All in my surroundings easily become “dangerous”. No need for rational thinking, some how your joke intended for nothing but an idle laugh, has become in my mind one of many violent imaginings. If I call or text and get nothing back you have no respect for me. Well wait am I worthy worthy of any respect?. Defend against the imaginary foe? Rage… while those around me are perfectly fine and at ease?! Maybe I’m just a coward,… A laughing stock. I am so easily  ensnared by the spirit of hate and murder. In my heart I’ve killed again and again. I pray to God no one pushes me over this edge. Murder lives in my bones and I’ve been suicidal off and on since the age of 12 or 13.. I envision that point when a man steps from the land of reason, into the no man’s land of taking another mans life. I have ended up in a dark corner shaking with a gun or a knife. Even now I tremble thinking on residual fears. I live through others mundane existence sometimes on the edge for days at a time. You see me laugh and care and smile. This is my true nature, …. Only crippled by this wickedness. What is PTSD to me? It is walking in a reality perfectly, wickedly in exact opposition to my true instinct and nature. I weep for my sins I weep for my friends. Then I turn against those near me with a coldness that many find they cannot bear. I am responsible for my sin but you all taught me to hate. Y’all taught me how to cry. We sit, we criticize and mock the weakness of others. To those who care and stay close…. I thank you. God reward you I know I don’t deserve you. PTSD is an inner reality that stabs and slashes at my tender heart. And even my enemies I love you I do. I am to vain and full of selfish passions to love as the Christ. Pray for me and remember. Only the bearer of the deed knows it’s motive and many times he himself knows  not what moves his heart this way and that. Have mercy. There is a battle there behind the eyes of man and the souls of many have become so weary and so alone. I know that I have.



I just read back to this and wow! This for me is an amazing look into the process that at times has dominated my life. This is raw and true and yes I see obviously, since I am describing my disorder in disorder… Forgive me all who in this state have offended or wounded.  JT

%d bloggers like this: