ONLY A SNIPPET………….
PTSD To Me.
When one simply turns to laugh at a meaningless joke, my mind kicks into full gear. It is no good as a hundred scenarios flood into my mind. “Why would they disrespect me? Do they intend harm for me.?” All in my surroundings easily become “dangerous”. No need for rational thinking, some how your joke intended for nothing but an idle laugh, has become in my mind one of many violent imaginings. If I call or text and get nothing back you have no respect for me. Well wait am I worthy worthy of any respect?. Defend against the imaginary foe? Rage… while those around me are perfectly fine and at ease?! Maybe I’m just a coward,… A laughing stock. I am so easily ensnared by the spirit of hate and murder. In my heart I’ve killed again and again. I pray to God no one pushes me over this edge. Murder lives in my bones and I’ve been suicidal off and on since the age of 12 or 13.. I envision that point when a man steps from the land of reason, into the no man’s land of taking another mans life. I have ended up in a dark corner shaking with a gun or a knife. Even now I tremble thinking on residual fears. I live through others mundane existence sometimes on the edge for days at a time. You see me laugh and care and smile. This is my true nature, …. Only crippled by this wickedness. What is PTSD to me? It is walking in a reality perfectly, wickedly in exact opposition to my true instinct and nature. I weep for my sins I weep for my friends. Then I turn against those near me with a coldness that many find they cannot bear. I am responsible for my sin but you all taught me to hate. Y’all taught me how to cry. We sit, we criticize and mock the weakness of others. To those who care and stay close…. I thank you. God reward you I know I don’t deserve you. PTSD is an inner reality that stabs and slashes at my tender heart. And even my enemies I love you I do. I am to vain and full of selfish passions to love as the Christ. Pray for me and remember. Only the bearer of the deed knows it’s motive and many times he himself knows not what moves his heart this way and that. Have mercy. There is a battle there behind the eyes of man and the souls of many have become so weary and so alone. I know that I have.
JT
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I just read back to this and wow! This for me is an amazing look into the process that at times has dominated my life. This is raw and true and yes I see obviously, since I am describing my disorder in disorder… Forgive me all who in this state have offended or wounded. JT
The World According to JT 