Archive for acceptance

Softly Possessed by Love

Posted in Elliana Trinity, jt, monolog, Uncategorized, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 18, 2013 by norcaliluv

I am in the storm and they fall to me like Noah’s flood inside and out. The tears produced in my life pressed by righteous indignation then by murder then death pressed inward. I had believed a lie, so long I tuned to cowards and frauds to show me the way. Those possessed of anything but love. Love that makes no condition? Ok, ok not perfect right..? Sooo many of them, you pack of donkeys!? Back on task…. The tears flow like now when these wicked things are pressed through my feeble understanding and I fight to win and then to lose, and it hurts. My heart pounds with the rage of a thousand warriors, then with the Love of Christ. This raw and pure thing brought before professors of information has yielded  upon my heart many scars. Often, as it is now my heart threatens and nags. Declaring a resignation is imminent. But knowing, that KNOWING is of central ‘matrix’ level importance, I embrace it without vengeance. For any man to be at odds with another is the philosophy of halflings and unconscious giants. I have no enemies I only refuse to be dominated by blind men and only blind men think they need to butt in and dominate in the affairs of others. I already confessed believed a lie and now as always share some level of blindness. Just not blind enough to try to control your situation declaring how I see better than you, act better than you, moralize your situation as the “leaders” of Christs time assessing by whose sin was hung the mans infirmity. I pray that I would lay down my life if you asked and I cannot allow victims be made in my presence. Then I will not butt into your sorrows as if you would be cool if you saw it like me. For me I am indomitable and this “lack of drive” you thought me possessed of……. Maybe bad things would have happened if I was as focused as I am now had I not begun in sincerity this quelling of the inner passions. Now I thinly smile and my body is racked with pain. My joints like rust fused steel. My head finds some small peace in hope filled reggae tunes. My soul aching from retching out wickedness and hate unlike Christ who was filled with sorrow for His betrayer. I see that unlike wheat we must submit to be crushed. So submit to your personal delusions they may be crushing out a healing perfume from within. Maybe you are only tending the seed for this strong tree destined to shade the weary and having deep roots a life of adversity and the fullest earthly compassion my Creator has my breath at His disposal in the protection of those weaker than I. The children will climb on these branches of my heart and if God so chooses to sustain me here as they grow. They can climb back in no matter age nor position and find shelter and only guidance requested. Am I delusional and self-possessed? I have been under the gun, on the run and in parole hearings near since birth I myself not unnaturally possessed of any truly violent or manipulative patterns or behaviors. I ( a very soft, loving and warm soul) have been by been pressed on all sides by Gods providence and though being pressed the mystery takes me higher. To all the haters and most especially mine, hate on, that the fire of injustice can burn away my injustice, my passion run wild and all delusion and imperfection. You know in the end my friends and you are all thus, we will equally understand. Then understanding we will weep. Then weeping we will laugh. Every morsel of the tiniest bit of separation must be removed. No God that I know or serve can in any way be petty enough to save Ben then send Ven to hell for not for not spelling it right. Somehow through mens lack of consciousness he forgot that the traditions sprang from a powerful mystical encounter and could on no way be twisted into a cage in which bind tender and humble souls. (As the arrogant ones have done here to the humble and beautiful native cultures in Northern California.) It is only lack of understanding that causes so many divisions and our enemy ancient and wise delights in leveraging illusion and misunderstanding to divide Gods perfect creation. So now ragged and weak I try and rest…. Softly and I pray irreversibly possessed by love.



Wake from the Nightmare

Posted in jt, Uncategorized, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2013 by norcaliluv


In my life I have found that ANY so-called “knowledge” that inspires fear is flawed and should be discarded. Fear can be healthy only as applies when one is ignorant of something. All true knowledge should empower and if that knowledge in some way criticizes, it happens within. So if you are taught to fear I humbly suggest looking for knowledge where there is peace and not anxiety..

blessings to you all.


this is great!!!

Intro to truth

Posted in jt, monolog, Saint grandma, Uncategorized, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2013 by norcaliluv


I am looking back through the fog of rejection and judgment that we collectively call childhood. Even now with my eyes I look and though hard of hearing I hear enough to know that the words on your lips are empty. You ever encourage me give in to your hypocrisy by “getting over it.” And the sign of this is that I would begin to chase paper and act as though I have God, knowing nothing of Him. You are all instructors that know how to analyze the character of others. JT, please don’t express these things that make us uncomfortable, my my you are so angry….. Please Jason stop talking. Ok I will. But I will also no more listen to your cheap claims of wisdom. Men who fear the opinions of men, may your fake words fall to the ground. I draw breath here hoping for what is to come NOT your foolishness and not your idea of success. You truly own no wisdom. You are spouter’s of cliché, and slogan totters. I have only ever from a tender young age desired blessing for those around me yet in this world I spent much of my youth incarcerated or in some program to “fix” me. Never protected and ever accused. Now I am supposed to tolerate all men having endured only judgment and rejection in this oasis of hypocrisy. You first accuse me, well so do I. Sharing none of your weakness clinging to cowardice and avoidance. One man go and kill a bunch of precious children and your first concern is where he got the gun. You fools! WE are fully guilty, expecting the divine soul of man to endure such wickedness and injustice. When I was young (too young) you taught me deception and lewdness then accused me of breeding these things out of my own young heart. Both sides of my family growing up despised my presence. They are of course concerned like most, that they would not be shown to have any guilt in a given situation. Don’t know what I am talking about? Everyone shrugs as to say that I am blind, stubborn and unrepentant. Why? Cuz I don’t enjoy bullshit pie. Y’all are so thin in character. Over time I feel myself losing love, wonder and joy. As most of my life I have primarily been acutely explosive in response to your accusation, getting over things pretty fast. Now I have struggled many years of over and under doing this self-accusation thing. Seeing you know nothing of my soul or even yours I have a glowing coal of murder and hate under the surface. Truly, messing with a soul as mine now would be quite foolish.


“It is not the violence that sets a man apart…. All right it is  the distance he is prepared to go..”
Forest Bondaraunt “Lawless”


Seeing the cheapness of the world I have no humor for your arrogance and intimidation. I promise one thing here. I’m done; and though killing be far from my desire, it is a breaths distance from any seeking my harm. Hell 90% of gangstas are more like mouthy two year olds with guns. With many legal excuses have you bound my young soul. If I were to make it a seminar my tee shirt would read unloved, unforgiven and unworthy. I long for the revelation of my sin and yours. Your mask of false virtue will fade when you long most to hold it tight. Nothing we can devise will deceive Him who sees all. Being not the Judge I have no desire to hold you accountable. You cause me fresh wounds and in the same breath instead of your repentance my acceptance of your lies and falsities is demanded of me. Even now I sit alone because I don’t tickle your egos with submission to your delusion. You can sit there and smirk cuz the light of heaven will show what truly is. I know not one soul willing travel where I go. I would like to say here that I have no desire to lead or teach men, only that you keep your emptiness to yourself. Though weak and at times in need of your benevolence, I can scarcely endure your self-proclaimed wisdom anymore. I do not know where I will go but you can be sure that I am not coming back to you. I cannot asses my own strengths and weaknesses but by the Grace of God I will not be reconquered by the world.

Here is my case; in whatever form I may choose. Poems, parables, critiques and works of fiction. Painting and sketching the truth alone, if you doubt don’t waste your time, go ahead and fuck off. The author has no need of any readership, I write to heal needing no hypocrites rebuttal. I hope now for strength from God to focus now and leave behind the life of proud liars. For I am guilty as the rest. I can endure no more this dance of delusion. I know not which label will be pasted again over my true image but your self-absorbed opinions carry no weight with me. I use wit and philosophy and I create no legal document, for no man really holds the facts. Awe go ahead! Unleash your plastic criticism and judge my sin filled soul. I am free and only by grace alone is any good thing givin unto me.


How far will I go friends?

How far will I go friends?

I Bend Down Low

Posted in jt, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 29, 2012 by norcaliluv

My soul it bends low, it burns with a soft dark glow…
High and low it searches, desperate like a penniless merchant.
Broken is the path of my soul, in my heart left a gapping hole.
Love malfunctioned, love missused, love gone away for it has been abused.
Please come back to me, touch the dark heart and set me free.
I bend down low, forgive me please and release loves light into my soul…

I know that love wants to be my guide….

Posted in jt, monolog, Uncategorized, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2012 by norcaliluv

Dear reader,
  The things in my heart are not special. I try though to be especially honest. I’ve cast so many pearls at the feet of a world that seems to despise my presence. In a world where appearances are boss my soul finds no rest. I love y’all and I wish that love could guide me through. But the fact is, I’ve grown so tired not only of the worlds hypocricies but of believing it’s lies about me. As I have mentioned before, I have been guilty from birth and naively hated myself. Though I want love to guide me, the reality is that honest souls are eaten alive by this world. How in the hell is ponyboy supposed to stay golden? I cry till my lips are cracked and I have cottonmouth. I confess to guilty men who with plastic proud faces approve of my self condemnation. I know of my guilt before God, but these men are blind. Blinded by the position they hold so they see only the guilt of others. I am finished with this charade, I will not flee another step. I will not cast down my glance in the presence of these swine. My friends, in the most real way I have become dangerous. Dangerous to those who wish me ill. I tried to love and I tried to laugh. But y’all wanted to play kill or be killed. My fellow traveler…… I would stop a bullet for you, why do you seek my destruction. I tried to please you and you said all I earned was this here shit sandwich. I’m too tired to play the role you gave me. I am NOT guilty in the circus of mans justice but rather a victim of it’s cold hypocrisy and wicked design. I am just a weak and tired man who’s ideas of life and love are reserved for fantasy and foolishness. I will take no more from you who wish me harm. I grieve now for you that love me. I wish I could endure, I wish I were a better man. This site contains much about me. I am well acquainted with suffering. Humiliation and loneliness rule over me, at times mercilessly. To you the honest soul. The world promises only pain. Know that you are brave. Know that the King of all has the final word. Make judgment of your soul according to what your maker has placed there. Try to take mans judgment in stride knowing that it defines not your place in history. Know that men who criticize are greatly deceived and can only harm the tender soul. This advise my friend comes not from true wisdom but from much failure and pain. If you fail my friend, so do I and on the day of judgment. Your life I will try to defend. If you are cast out may I be together with you in rejection. I hope in vein here as I inject another needle full of dope into my arm. I fail so many who are worthy of a better father, husband, family member, and friend than I. For this guilt I refuse consolation. It is mine and I carry it before God with tears. I may not know your name but I do know your pain. I’ve sat at meal with bishops, rotted in lonely prison cells and laid with women I should not. I was the humble hands that received my little princess into this world, and I am the man that failed her and her mother. I am JT, alone and rejected by this world. If you are truly honest and sincere, use caution. This world is not worthy of you, and on their philosophy of hypocrisy they have made themselves to be better than you. I feel I am losing but only time will tell. Say a prayer for me friend. When you are alone, I wish it were I that came in the dark night to encourage  and suffer with you. Please excuse my rambling.

Your unworthy fellow struggler,



First Draft Preface

Posted in jt, Saint grandma with tags , , , , on February 24, 2010 by norcaliluv


 Preface (rough) Continue reading

A saint..and my angel…

Posted in Saint grandma, Veritas et Aeuqtias with tags , , , on February 11, 2010 by norcaliluv

Grandma and Gandpa Duggan

My grandmother was the light in my life. In her presence there was love and acceptance always. I miss her so much, but when I think of her as my heart hurts, it also smiles. She had a child-like interest in all the things around her and she had a wisdom that comes from a life of pain and trials. I am posting here the first page of the book she began about her life. Read it and you will get a small taste of what it was like to grow up with this truely special woman… My grandmother Helen R. Duggan, my hero!


Find the good in all that happens, find the good in us all, find the faith that is in us toward peace: Tear down the walls.

That’s the Way It Is

To Mama, who gave me the tools to live a good life, to believe in the fair and the just, but most of all who showed me God in her quiet face.

To my children and their children, to show we have been, and left our footprints next to the footprints of our Lord, who held our hands along the way.

In my attempt to write down the story of the lives of five, ignored and forgotten members of a family, I may be unkind in some of my memories, please know, all who are involved in some way have contributed to who I am today and hopefully who those other four people are in their own fantastic characters.


One time after Mama died, some church ladies came to the house and brought boxes of clothes. (It always seemed funny to me that they only brought women’s clothes, never any kids clothes) I was standing next to a nicely dressed lady and I touched her dress, because it looked so soft, and she jumped and looked at me like I had a bad disease, then they quickly left. (I always wondered why she did that) and maybe as the years rolled by and I couldn’t stand to be touched, that was part of the reason.

You see I’m just beginning to understand a child doesn’t learn nearly as much from what you say as how you act toward them. They seem to feel much more than anything else. And how you act toward them is the thing they carry on in life. A nice smile or a pat on the head or a hug can do wonders. Beware of all you pass by in this world, make just a glance, or a pat or hug your trademark and please pull from the Jesus Christ in you for the truth. You can’t act it, you must feel it…

The only time I could remember getting that attention was the only thing I remember from my Father. I can remember running to hug his legs and he seemed to love it. 

The people walking around that are tragically, remember are the ones no one could care about or touch. Reach out however small a way to look some one right in the eye and say hello, and make them answer, they need someone. 

You know, when life is over you will be very proud to tell God how many people love you. But He is going to say this does not count. “ How many people do you really love?” This is the thing to count on before God.

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