I know that love wants to be my guide….


Dear reader,
  The things in my heart are not special. I try though to be especially honest. I’ve cast so many pearls at the feet of a world that seems to despise my presence. In a world where appearances are boss my soul finds no rest. I love y’all and I wish that love could guide me through. But the fact is, I’ve grown so tired not only of the worlds hypocricies but of believing it’s lies about me. As I have mentioned before, I have been guilty from birth and naively hated myself. Though I want love to guide me, the reality is that honest souls are eaten alive by this world. How in the hell is ponyboy supposed to stay golden? I cry till my lips are cracked and I have cottonmouth. I confess to guilty men who with plastic proud faces approve of my self condemnation. I know of my guilt before God, but these men are blind. Blinded by the position they hold so they see only the guilt of others. I am finished with this charade, I will not flee another step. I will not cast down my glance in the presence of these swine. My friends, in the most real way I have become dangerous. Dangerous to those who wish me ill. I tried to love and I tried to laugh. But y’all wanted to play kill or be killed. My fellow traveler…… I would stop a bullet for you, why do you seek my destruction. I tried to please you and you said all I earned was this here shit sandwich. I’m too tired to play the role you gave me. I am NOT guilty in the circus of mans justice but rather a victim of it’s cold hypocrisy and wicked design. I am just a weak and tired man who’s ideas of life and love are reserved for fantasy and foolishness. I will take no more from you who wish me harm. I grieve now for you that love me. I wish I could endure, I wish I were a better man. This site contains much about me. I am well acquainted with suffering. Humiliation and loneliness rule over me, at times mercilessly. To you the honest soul. The world promises only pain. Know that you are brave. Know that the King of all has the final word. Make judgment of your soul according to what your maker has placed there. Try to take mans judgment in stride knowing that it defines not your place in history. Know that men who criticize are greatly deceived and can only harm the tender soul. This advise my friend comes not from true wisdom but from much failure and pain. If you fail my friend, so do I and on the day of judgment. Your life I will try to defend. If you are cast out may I be together with you in rejection. I hope in vein here as I inject another needle full of dope into my arm. I fail so many who are worthy of a better father, husband, family member, and friend than I. For this guilt I refuse consolation. It is mine and I carry it before God with tears. I may not know your name but I do know your pain. I’ve sat at meal with bishops, rotted in lonely prison cells and laid with women I should not. I was the humble hands that received my little princess into this world, and I am the man that failed her and her mother. I am JT, alone and rejected by this world. If you are truly honest and sincere, use caution. This world is not worthy of you, and on their philosophy of hypocrisy they have made themselves to be better than you. I feel I am losing but only time will tell. Say a prayer for me friend. When you are alone, I wish it were I that came in the dark night to encourage  and suffer with you. Please excuse my rambling.

Your unworthy fellow struggler,

JT

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