I’ll never be the same, I’ll never walk the same


Lord have mercy

It is hard to figure out where to begin. Surely I will never be the same and I will never walk the same. About twelve years ago I fell in love with a beautiful woman. A woman with beauty that I before only dreamed of. In these past years my weaknesses combined with her judgements have shaken my life to the ground. There were moments of great joy and great sorrow. We struggled together and against each other. When I gave up for good I really gave up all things and all hope. I rebelled against the judgement of others, and ran away to the streets. Away from our little princess and from reality. On August 16th 2009 I was caught up in what appeared to me to be a robbery attempt. From my trip to the market I was being watched and feeling uncomfortable. I found myself down the road with a drunk woman leaning into my truck and several other people around my truck. She kept asking for a ride to the store. As I figured out that I was in a bad situation, the truck that was behind me sped in front of me and tried to stop. I started to get really pissed off as I dropped the clutch in my truck. I was ready to run right through this guy. He took off though. I gave chase for a few blocks and realized that I couldn’t really do anything so I turned around. Something happened inside me that I cannot explain. A moment of ‘clarity’ in violence. Violence was the only way I could make people understand that JT was not to be messed with. I reached under my seat and grabbed the 1911 .45 ACP that was there. I turned back into the neighborhood with bad intentions. In a twist of fate the streets were empty and upon looking at the weapon I found that it had jammed. I was trying to make sense of all that had just happened not realizing that I could just throw the weapon under the seat and get out of there. I wanted to clear that jam and disarm the gun. Stupidly leaving the clip in, I racked the slide back twice. Now the gun was ready to shoot. Not my intention, at this point I just wanted to ease the hammer down and get out of there. That last decision being the faithful moment in which I almost blew the bottom half of my right leg off. When I attempted to cover the hammer (while driving) I completely missed and fired the .45 at nearly point blank range into my lower right leg. Now pause……. As there were several moments of shock before the greatest pain that I have ever felt racked my body. There are many gaps in my memory from here. The police department with guns in my face and the great pain of being dragged from my truck is one memory. The paramedics being extremely frustrated at the officers for the way they were dealing with my injury, I also remember that. What seemed like hours of waiting followed this. The police were in my face continually asking the same questions over and over. I do not believe that I was given any kind of pain medication during this time because the pain was overwhelming at times. Then finally I was taken into surgery and the pain was quieted. Following this incident I remained stubborn and continued my life on the streets. Making my decisions based on anything but the law. I was full of anger and I patiently plotted my revenge on several people. During this time I admit that I shed many tears. I wept and wept over the loss of my love and the pain of not being a daddy for my little princess. In my hopelessness and shame I could not see how I could possibly give any good thing to my little girl. As often as I thought of her I shed many tears. After several months, something inside of me rose up. I felt like a lion and the shame gave way to resolve. I have since been trying to pick up the pieces of my life and I spend every possible moment with my little Elliana. Life is very hard now for many of us and I share this little story because we must always hope. We fail and we fail again. This is not the end. If you still feel, if you still weep, if there is breath in your lungs you can stand up. My foolish decisions can be as a badge of shame, but they are mine. They are my lessons and my scars. With Gods help and some time I will see the rest of my life through and find what intentions God has for me. Here I will share the best and the darkest moments of my life . I will be honest and I will be humiliated, and still I will hope in this life. I will hope in the Lord. It is my hope that the love and the passion in my pen will touch the lonely and the rejected. No man belongs alone and we were created for God and for each other. I am just one man. A man of many, many follies. I do though, believe in the power of the pen and the power of sincerity. Maybe a worthless fool such as myself can give some small bit of hope to you. Maybe you can respond to my writing and give some measure of peace that I may need. I am jt and this is my life, this is my writing…..

Since I first wrote this piece I again lost control of caring for my beautiful little girl. I lived many more months on the streets. I began about 10 months ago to slam the methanphetamine I had formerly been smoking into my veins. Just before that I began to have a relationship with my friends wife as he was in jail… I make no excuse, I am a man full of selfishness and wickedness. I did many wicked and selfish things during this time with which I will not pollute this page nor your mind with. Just know that any pride I may suffer from is unfounded as I am chief among sinners and more than once a failure as a friend.

I now reside at the Monastery of St. Herman of Alaska. I wait here to be accepted as a penitent. God willing I will spend the rest of my pathetic life in repentance and service to my fellow brothers and sisters who suffer in this hellish and selfish world. I do not hate myself as it may sound, but I do hate the wicked and selfish inclinations of my heart. We humans are the crown of Gods creation and we act as the irrational beasts of the field and even worse! I have enjoyed the basest of pleasures. I am not a man of little or no experience. Quite to the contrary, I have seen much in my short life. Divine peace is far above all of the sex and drugs that I have “enjoyed”. There is Truth and there is a peace that passes all understanding. I wish to tear myself wide open and share with you every bit of every good thing that I receive. Those of you my friends and those of you my enemies and those I have yet to meet. We all suffer so much and we MUST know that our God is not aloof and He does not look down His nose with disdain. Again it is much to the contrary as God Himself was voluntarily emptied of all that is rightfully His. He the creator was lead as a common criminal to His brutal murder. And He raised not His voice in complaint. Such was His turmoil and pain that the Gospel relates that His sweat fell as great drops of blood and He inquired of the Father “ If there is any other way Father let this cup (of suffering and crucifixion) pass from me.” As there was no other way He the Creator and Lover of man, carried the instrument of His death up the hill of our victory,…. Golgotha. May you have sympathy for me a sinner and pray that God give me peace and grant forgiveness of my many sins… I will serve you all with prayers only with Gods grace because I am full of sloth and consumed at times with only thoughts of my needs. You my friends and my enemies, may you all forgive my many offences toward you. May the peace of God and His joy and blessing be upon you all. To Him be glory and honour now and ever and even unto the ages of ages! Amen.

JT

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One Response to “I’ll never be the same, I’ll never walk the same”

  1. God be Glorified in your journey and may you be a testimony of His Love in all you do. Truth has saved you and will forever hold you in His arms if you allow. Never let go!
    A fellow sinner and penitent in Christ.

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